


Nothing But Smoke

by name_me_regret



Series: Nothing But Smoke [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Army Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Bilingual Evan “Buck” Buckley, Bisexual Evan "Buck" Buckley, Brief Buck/Josh, Competent Evan “Buck” Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley-centric, Evan “Buck” Buckley Has Issues, Evan “Buck” Buckley Has PTSD, Gen, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt Maddie Buckley, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Incorrect Military Knowledge, Mentions of spousal abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, U.S. Navy SEAL Evan "Buck" Buckley
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-21
Packaged: 2021-03-23 07:00:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30051663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/name_me_regret/pseuds/name_me_regret
Summary: Omar, Maddie’s nurse friend, decides to be an actual good friend and doesn’t send Evan Buckley away in 2012. Instead, he tells him to meet him in the back, and this changes everything...Or: The one where Evan Buckley becomes a Navy SEAL when he’s 21 years old...
Relationships: Eddie Diaz & Evan “Buck” Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Isabel Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Josephina "Pepa" Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Original Male Character(s), Evan “Buck” Buckley & Original Child Character, Evan “Buck” Buckley/Josh Russo
Series: Nothing But Smoke [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2210763
Comments: 40
Kudos: 193





	1. Sometimes I’m beaten

**Author's Note:**

  * For [coupe_de_foudre](https://archiveofourown.org/users/coupe_de_foudre/gifts).



> This just... I don’t know, okay? I have so many WIPs and unfinished stories, but this wouldn’t leave me alone. It’s just like all my stories, but this was as insistent as SSTTR, and I literally wrote this in less than two weeks, probably a week. This is already finished, so I’ll be posting it on a schedule of one chapter every two days. Yes, once again, this will be a series, but as to when the second part of this will be out, I don’t know. Give me a break lol I will of course still post ITWWE on time, which will be sometime next week. The next chapter is already finished, but I want to wait and make sure there are no mistakes. I’m my own beta lol which sucks cause I suck at seeing my own mistakes. I hope this isn’t trash.
> 
> Also, this whole story is inspired by Us by James Bay and the title of this story and the chapters are taken from that song lyrics.

**Nothing But Smoke  
Chapter One:** _Sometimes I’m beaten_

\- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

_“Sometimes I'm beaten  
Sometimes I'm broken  
'Cause sometimes this is nothing but smoke  
Is there a secret?  
Is there a code?  
Can we make it better?  
'Cause I'm losing hope_

_Tell me how to be in this world  
Tell me how to breathe in and feel no hurt  
Tell me how, ‘cause I believe in something  
I believe in us...”_

~ Us - James Bay

\- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

For Evan Buckley, life had always been simple. He knew his place in the world from almost the beginning of his life.

He was not wanted.

When his parents looked at him, they looked through him, and for many nights he lay awake and wondered what, or who they were seeing if not him. However, that was only at night. During the day, he did everything and anything to make them just _look_ at him, to see that he was there. It worked for a while, before once again their gazes would wander away as if they couldn’t stand to look at him.

So, yes, Evan knew his place in the world. Life was simple.

That didn’t mean it didn’t shatter his heart in a million pieces every single day. He was sure there would never be a way to put them back together again to make him whole.

The only bright light in his life, was Maddie, his big sister.

Ever since he could remember, it had been her and him against the world, against their parents. She patched up his injuries and comforted him, and was the mother their own mother never could, or would be.

Maddie was older than him, eight years older, so at times he liked to pretend that she was his mother. Whenever she cupped his face and smiled at him, brown eyes filled with love he imagined that she was his mother. Then Margaret would say something degrading and he’d think that perhaps it was better not to have a mother at all.

Also, because Maddie was the best damn sister in the world.

Then she moved away to Boston with her stalker boyfriend, leaving him alone with parents that barely tolerated him.

_’Damn it, Evan!’_

_’Go annoy your mother, I’m busy.’_

_’Why are you so exhausting all the time?!’_

_’Why are you here... why you?_

For nine years, his existence was miserable, even when his sister and Doug moved back. Maddie was distant and Doug never hid how much he despised the very sight of Evan. His stunts grew more risky, because he wanted them to just _look_ him, for them to love him.

By the time he was twenty, he knew that that was never going to happen.

\- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

_May 31, 2012 - Hershey, Pennsylvania_

“I’m gonna be something... I j-just I-I don’t know what it is yet,” he said as he lowered his bright blue eyes almost shamefully.

“Hey, of course you will,” she told him softly, with certainty.

“The way they look at me... _through me_. I c-can’t live with that anymore.”

“Look, we’re gonna figure something out, okay? I promise,” Maddie reassured as she laid a gentle, motherly hand against the side of his face. And that’s what she had been to him his whole life, a mother because their own couldn’t give them the time of day. They made a plan, that she’d pick him up and then they would decide.

When he’s finally away from that house, one that he could never truly call a home, he’s happily expressing his relief that she’s there when she’s suddenly pulling to the side and getting out. She tosses him the keys of her Jeep, that she’d had since she was seventeen, working part time to pay for it herself. Maddie had always been fiercely independent and brave, Evan wished he could be just like her.

Evan got out, barely catching the keys with his leg hand, since he was right handed and his right arm was currently still in a sling. “W-what is this?” Evan asked.

“Freedom,” she said. “You way out of here. Away from them.”

The thought seemed impossible, unreachable. Margaret and Phillip were a burden he was sure he’d have to endure until either they died, or he did. If he continued down the reckless path he was on, it would possibly be him. So, for her to be giving him the keys to her Jeep and telling him to just _go_ , he wasn’t sure her words had actually come out of her mouth.

She offered him money to get him started and he was so grateful to her. Maddie had always had his back.

“I mean, this is amazing, but where am I gonna go?”

“It doesn’t matter. The point is to go, as far away as you can, and be happy.”

Evan knew that she wasn’t happy in her marriage, could tell by her face. She was miserable and he couldn’t stand to see it. So, he tried to be just a bit brave, for once.

“What if you came with me? No more mom and dad, no more Doug. J-just you and me, against the world. You and me _in the world_.”

She was hesitant, of course she was, because he was as well. All he knew was that as long as he had her with him, he could do anything and be anything. Finally, he was able to convince her.

“Yes.”

“Yes?” Evan repeated, his face lighting up with a smile.

“Yes,” she confirmed with a breathy laugh.. “Let’s get the hell outta here.”

He drove her home, with the plan that she would go to work the next day like nothing was wrong, and then they would go. They would just leave.

\- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

_June 01, 2012, 5:30pm_

Evan waited and she didn’t show up where she said she’d be. He grew impatient, but also worried as his skin prickled with adrenaline and dread, and decided to go inside. As he went inside the other nurse, Omar called his name and when he explained that he was looking for his sister, she handed him a note.

He was confused but stepped away from the nurses’ station to read it, that feeling of dread not going away. In fact, as he read the feeling started to choke him.

_‘Dear Evan,_   
_I’m sorry to tell you this way, but I can’t leave with you. For one crazy minute, I really thought I could do it, but then reality set in and I realize that my life is here. But yours isn’t. It’s still ahead of you, and I want you to find it. Find the thing that makes you happy, the people that make you feel loved. This is your time, Evan. Go find your place in the world, and never look back._   
_~Maddie’_

Evan was angry, because she had said she would leave, and she had never lied to him before. He didn’t understand why she would stay, and send him away. Perhaps she simply thought he was too much trouble, or had finally decided, like their parents, that he was much too exhausting to deal with.

He crumpled the letter, wiping angrily at his eyes and turned away. Before he could walk off, the man’s voice stopped him. “Wait,” Omar said, the urgency making Evan stop in his tracks. He turned blue eyes to Omar, and that pained expression from when he had handed him the note was back on his face. Only, this time there was real fear there. “I can’t... I promised her, but I can’t do it.”

“Wh-what? What are you talking about?” Evan asked.

Omar came closer, and he leaned down as if to hear him better since he saw that something was wrong. “Meet me in back in ten minutes, and wait.” He moved away before he could get a word in, and Evan was left floundering a moment. Then he remembered that dread that had hung heavy on his heart and decided to do as the man said and turned away and walked out the door. He drove around back and waited.

It was maybe fifteen or twenty minutes later, where he was seriously contemplating leaving, but something held him there. Finally, the back door opened and Omar came out followed by his sister. Evan was horrified as he saw her battered face, and he was out of the Jeep before he could register that he was doing it. “Maddie!”

Maddie turned wide eyes toward him, filled with tears and a pain that he had never seen before. “Evan?” she gasped, grabbing onto Omar’s sleeve as she shook her head. “Y-you shouldn’t be here... no, you should... you should be gone.”

Evan didn’t even hear her words, instead looking at her beautiful face that was so marred by the cuts and bruises. “What happened? Who did this to you?” He was angry, even angrier than when he thought she had broken her promise to go with him.

She opened her mouth as she shook her head. “No... no one... I... I..”

Omar cut her off before she could continue. “Doug did it.”

Maddie’s eyes snapped toward him. “Omar!” she gasped, voice wet with her unshed tears.

“I’m sorry, Maddie,” he said as he turned toward her, taking her hands that had scratch marks on them. “But I would be a very shitty friend if I continue to stay silent.” He ran his hand lightly over the arm that was still in a wrist strap. “And pretend I don’t know that he’s the one that sprained your wrist.” Omar shook his head. “I won’t keep quiet any longer.”

Evan stepped forward as looked down at her, blue eyes pleading for the truth. “Maddie? Is that true? Did that _bastard_ do this to you?”

Maddie inhaled shakily as her tears finally spilled down her injured face. “Yes,” she whispered, unable to looking him in the eye and lie to him. She was already lying, keeping Daniel from him, and she refused to let herself utter one more lie to him. “He found out I was going to leave... said he’d kill me.”

He sucked in a sharp breath of shock and outrage, hands clenching at his side as he felt his insides boil with a fury he had never felt before. Evan wanted to put his hands around Doug’s neck and squeeze until no more breath remained in his body. “I’ll kill him,” he growled.

“No!” Maddie exclaimed as she rushed forward, hands attaching themselves to his shirt pleadingly. “You know his parents own this town... if you hurt him, they’ll destroy you.”

“I don’t care!”

“I do!” Maddie snapped. “I won’t let them hurt you!”

“Maddie, I’m not a little kid anymore that you need to protect!”

“You’re _my_ little brother!” she insisted, reaching up to take his face in her hands. “I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you too.”

Evan frowned. “Lost me too? What does that mean?”

Maddie knew she’d said too much, but she was just so tired. She was tired of covering up for her parents’ shitty decisions, and she was tired of having to lie to Evan. “There’s... something I should tell you.”

She paused as the sound of an ambulance siren sounded and she suddenly realized where they were. “But not here. Come to my house.”

“I’m not leaving you alone again,” he stressed. The last time he had, she had ended up like this. “Where you go, I go.”

She could see it in his eyes, that he meant it. Evan would not let her go anywhere without him again, not if he could help it. For the first time in almost eight years she felt like she could breathe again, because she had him by her side. Evan knew and now she could stop hiding behind the shame and the helplessness, and maybe she could be free. She’d go home and since Doug was working, he wouldn’t be there to stop them from getting her things and leaving. Maddie could just _go_.

“Let’s get the hell out of here,” she told him again, the same words as last night when she had never been more certain in her life about a decision. Now, here she was, having been beaten into submission by Doug, and still willing to leave, to escape. Because of Evan.

\- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

_6:45pm_

Maddie’s hands shook as she hurriedly shoved as much clothing as she could into her suitcase. It was the same one she had used when she had left with Doug for Boston, and how fitting that she was using it now to leave him. She had more things now than she use to have then, because she had wanted to start fresh and make it without her parents. The brunette had accumulated a lot of things over the last nine years, but she was going to leave it all behind. All she took was several changes of clothes, and the money she had been saving for the last five years in anticipation of this day. She didn’t trust using her ATM card, since Doug will have likely have their account monitored.

She hurried down the stairs, knowing Evan was waiting for her in the driveway and it was starting to get dark. Doug would be home soon, and she didn’t want to be here when he returned. There was already a queasy feeling in her stomach, like she could throw up at any minute. It had been like that the last two days, but figured it was the nerves and it would get better once she was gone from this place. As she grabbed her purse and keys, she paused and looked at them. It had the house key, a safety deposit key from the bank, and the key to her car. Everything was under Doug’s name, even the car, and the Jeep she had already transferred over to Evan as soon as she’d thought to give it to him so he could leave.

There was no need to bring any of these things, since she would never need them again. So, she let the key ring drop back into the bowl on top of the table at the entranceway where she usually placed them when she arrived home, and then made herself walk away.

Meanwhile, Evan waited in the Jeep. His leg was bouncing up and down, that feeling of dread having only increased the longer she was in the house. Something was wrong, he could feel it thrumming in his veins like an itch he couldn’t scratch. The dread was nearly choking him now and he wanted to press down on the horn to hurry her up but he didn’t dare make any more sounds to attract attention to them. “Hurry... hurry, Maddie,” he whispered urgently, hands griping his pant legs enough that he thought he might tear the material.

It was almost fully dark when she finally exited the house, Evan breathing a sigh of relief and quickly left the Jeep to take her suitcase and put it in the back along with his own bag. She got in and he followed her, putting on their seatbelts and then pausing as they look at each other.

They took a moment to grin at one another before Evan starts up the Jeep, and as they were pulling out, Maddie gasped as Doug’s car pulled up behind them. “Go!” she shouted, and he reacted to the fear in her voice as he turned before he’s fully out of the driveway, clamoring up onto the lawn and then sidewalk as the vehicle shakes. He hits the mail and there are clumps of dirt being kicked up as he floors it, the man blaring his horn behind them as he gives chase.

Evan wants to stop, confront the man and hit him the same amount of times he hit his sister, but she’s scared and won’t put her into a situation where she has to face him again. Also, even if he had taken the sling off, he’s still very much in pain and wasn’t sure he could win against the man that was at the same height as himself. So, he accelerates as he tries to get them away, but the man is insistent.

Doug follows them, blaring his horn the whole way, and Evan’s knuckles are white where he’s gripping the steering wheel. “Damn it,” he curses as he takes a curve too fast and they both slide to the left, but Doug’s smaller vehicle makes it more easily.

Maddie is all gasping breaths and wide eyes, hand clutched around her purse in a death-grip, and tears are pouring down her face. At one point, the man catches up and comes up on his side as he yells so hard he’s spitting. He swerves toward them as Maddie screams, and Evan clenches his teeth in anger and desperation. That feeling of adrenaline is buzzing in his ear now, dread heavy on his heart and against his throat.

The next time he swerves to try and hit them, Evan jerks the wheel to the left and slams into him instead, and his car goes flying into the shoulder.

They watch in abject horror as it hits the railing that comes up way too fast for the man to react and the front of the car caves in, and something breaks through the windshield and goes flying. Evan hits the breaks, almost losing control of the Jeep as he comes to stop on the shoulder, and from there they can see what went flying through the windshield, it’s Doug; wide, unseeing eyes staring up at the sky.

He’s dead. Doug’s dead.

\- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

_June 21, 2012_

The Kendall family were rich, but not the kind of rich that one would see from a family in New York City. However, in the small town of Hershey, they’re rich enough. So, that meant that they had a lot of people in their pocket. This meant that Evan knew the consequences of staying around after the accident to wait for the police, but it’s the right thing to do. He hopes that justice goes through and that they’ll find him not guilty, but it’s all for naught.

The jury take almost no time at all, likely in the Kendall’s pocket, and declare him guilty of vehicular manslaughter in the second degree. He’s now facing up to three to four years in jail, and a fine of no less than $2,500. His parents washed their hands of him when they learned what happened, and that he used the tuition money they gave him to modify his bike instead; which he then crashed.

Their parents don’t even bother to come to his trail, hadn’t come to visit him at all, actually. It seems they’re finally through with him, and to be honest, Evan is over it. He’s got more important things to worry about than a pair of shitty people that had dared call themselves parents, when nothing was further from the truth. It’s alright, since he’s finished trying to please two people that had never had any intention to either accept him, or even love him.

Evan and Maddie sat huddled together, hands gripped tightly as he tried not to cry. He tried to be strong for his sister, who was already freely crying. She hadn’t stopped apologizing since this had started, but he didn’t blame her, not for this. He blamed Doug and his shitty family, and even if he knew he shouldn’t, he was glad he was dead.

He just wished he wasn’t being dragged down by the man’s death.

“I have to tell you something, about why mom and dad aren’t here,” she told him.

Evan’s hand tightened around hers. “Don’t make excuses for them, Mads. They’re assholes, there’s no other reason,” he told her firmly. “I don’t want to hear about them.”

Maddie hesitated, looked into his eyes and knew he wouldn’t gain anything at the moment from the truth. “Fine, but the next time I’m going to tell you everything. And I’ll just say, I’m so sorry for never saying anything.”

He shook his head. “I’ll forgive you anything, Maddie. You’re my sister.”

She didn’t think he would, but decided to drop it for now. Maddie wanted to take this time to be with him until they took him away from her. She hoped he was locked up somewhere close, because she was planning on visiting him every week if she could manage it. Only, he would be going to a federal prison, and he wouldn’t be able to get any visitors until he was six months into his sentencing. They’d learn tomorrow how much time he was given.

They were interrupted by the guard, who told them that visiting hours were over. Both Buckley siblings stood and embraced, knowing that tomorrow their whole world would change. They just didn’t know how much right in that moment.

\- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

_June 22, 2012_

“The defendant will stand to hear his sentencing,” the bailiff said and Evan did, even if his legs shook underneath him. A quick look at his sister gave him the strength needed to face what was coming, even as he felt bile at the back of his throat. Even so, he breathed in and looked at the judge as he lifted his chin and prepared himself for his sentence.

“Evan Buckley, you’ve been found guilty of vehicular manslaughter on the second degree, and that constitute of a minimum of three years in federal jail.” He looked at something in front of him. “I’ve observed you during the trail and find myself admiring your behavior thus far.”

He was surprised by the words and swallowed at the emotion this caused him. “Thank you, your honor,” he said quietly.

“I see you played football in high school, and once had a scholarship with Penn state,” he said. Evan clenched his hands as he brought this up. He wasn’t proud of having lost his scholarship, due to a stupid stunt to make his supposed friends think he was cool. It turns out that he’d just been stupid, because they’d dropped him as soon as he lost his scholarship and stopped being the star football player.

“Yes, sir,” he said past clenched teeth, still trying to keep from being disrespectful.

“I think what your problem is, Mr. Buckley is that you lack discipline. Because of this lack of discipline, you’ve ended up here before me, accused of vehicular manslaughter.” He shuffled the papers and then looked at him. “Instead of sending you to prison, I’m going to give you a chance to redeem yourself.”

Evan opened his mouth to speak, but shut it when the judge held out his hand. “I spent ten years in the Navy SEALS, and I learned discipline and a way of life that’s shaped me up til now.” He stared down at Evan with a shrewd look in his eyes. “You either spend three years in a prison cell, or you can serve as a Navy SEAL. I’ll leave the choice up to you.”

In the end, there was really only one choice.

A few days later, he started his training as a Navy SEAL.-

\- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~


	2. Above all the noise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck finally writes Maddie, and she writes back...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to post this later tonight but decided to just go ahead. I’m still posting it two days later, since I posted the first chapter on Sunday, but forgot the timezones, and this the date says 03/15 instead of 03/14, but I definitely posted it Sunday at maybe 9:56 pm CST (maybe it was already 10pm?). So yeah, time zones man lol I hope there aren’t too many mistakes in this chapter. Let me know if there are any, please. Once again, enjoy this trash chapter.

**Nothing But Smoke  
Chapter Two:** _Above all the noise_

\- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

_“After the wreckage  
After the dust  
I still hear the howling, I still feel the rush  
Over the riots, above all the noise  
Through all the worry, I still hear your voice_

_So, tell me how to be in this world  
Tell me how to breathe in and feel no hurt  
Tell me how 'cause I believe in something  
I believe in us...”_

\- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

**_September 15, 2012, Coronado, California_ **

Evan had been angry for a long time, but then the eight weeks of boot camp had driven all the anger out of him. He was worn down until all he knew was training and the others beside him. Afterwards, that they were flown to Coronado, California and the Naval Amphibious Base to start their BUD/S training, and that was another realm of hell he was not prepared for.

He had thought he was fit, but he was not prepared for the level of training needed for that. It was only because he was use to training long hours for football practice with no end in sight that he made it, but barely. The desire to quit had been with him every day, but he threat of going to jail if he quit pushed him day in and day out, to his limits and then past it.

Evan wished he could talk to his sister, or write to her, but he wasn’t allowed, none of them were. He wished he hadn’t left without saying he loved her. As he was broken down during the brutal training, he wished he could see more than her tearful face as he left her in Pennsylvania.

It would be a long time before he was able to see her again.

\- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

_**August 18, 2013** _

_’Dear Maddie,_

_Bet your surprised to hear from me. So, I’m done being mad at you. Mostly. I survived my training and am finally allowed to write to you. We’re deploying soon to Afghanistan. Don’t worry, I have a good team that has my back. I think you’d like them. It’s been a tough year without you, sis, but I’m hanging in there. I don’t know if you stayed in that house after everything that happened, so I’m sending this letter to the hospital where you use to work with that friend of yours. I hope you’re doing better. Is your number still the same? Maybe I can call you when I get back stateside? Love you sis._

_PS: There were two Evans in training, so everyone calls me Buck now. Don’t tell the guys, but I kinda like it._

_~Buck_

\- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

_**September 21, 2013** _

_Dear Buck,_

_I just got your letter. To tell you the truth, I never went back to that house after you went away to start your SEAL training. I hired movers and they packed everything up and I donated everything to good will. Everything that mattered to me was in that suitcase you put in the Jeep that night that Doug died. I just wanted it all gone, so that’s what I did. Also, as you can tell by the return address, I moved all the way to California. To be honest, I did it with the hope that I might see you once I researched and learned SEALs do their training in Coronado, California. I’m in L.A., and I couldn’t be happier._

_Also, there’s something you should know. This isn’t something I wanted you to know from a letter while you’re halfway around the world, but life is rarely fair. About two months after you left and I started to realize I hadn’t had a menstrual cycle. I was pregnant. Before, I would always make sure to take a morning after pill whenever, you know, because I never wanted to have a child in a marriage like that. But with everything that happened, I forgot to take it, and with Doug dead... I had her. She is so beautiful, Evan. I named her name Jacqueline Aurelia Buckley. I call her Jack. She’s six months now, and she’s so big. You’d love her._

_This is one of the reasons I moved, because I was afraid that Doug’s parents would try to take her. So, I didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant, I packed the little bit of things I had and moved to L.A. Doug had a life insurance policy, as well as very sizable 401K. With it I bought a house in a fairly nice neighborhood. I quit nursing and a friend I met here named Josh suggested to me different career path where I could still help people. So, I’m a 9-1-1 dispatcher now. We have a life here, and the only thing missing is you._

_I enclosed a few pictures from when Jack was born and up until a picture a friend took just yesterday of us. Please call me whenever you can. I haven’t changed my number, hoping that one day I’d get a call from you, but a letter was the next best thing. I can’t wait to hear from you little brother. I love you. We both do._

_~Maddie_

\- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

**_October 11, 2013_ **

Buck’s hands shook as he lifted the pictures that had come in the manilla envelope along with his sister’s letter, the very first one was of Maddie holding a chubby baby girl with a bit of hair that was the same color as her mother and blue eyes that were almost identical to his. His niece. He had a niece, and Maddie was right. Buck already loved her.

“Hi, Jack,” he whispered, feeling his eyes starting to water as he looked through the pictures. He finally reached the one where she’d just been born, still covered in blood and amniotic fluid with a red and wrinkly face, and clearly crying.

She was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

He knew who her father was. Her father was a monster who had almost killed her mother, but none of that mattered. Because Jacqueline would grow up with a mother who loved her, and an uncle that couldn’t wait to meet her.

Buck heard footsteps approaching his cot inside the medical tent, turning to face his teammates. Diego Hernandez was his partner. The Hispanic man was two years older than him, and they’d grown close during their BUD/S training, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. At the moment he had a scrape above his left eyebrow that had a butterfly bandage over it, courtesy of their last mission.

Eoin Walsh was the medic of the team, with reddish brown hair and green eyes and skin so pale that he looked to not have seen the sun in years. Buck figured it was the Irish in him, since he’d been born in Boston but grew up in Ireland most of his life. He was twenty-six years old, and though he was shorter than Buck by at least five inches, he was built like a brick house and could easily bench him under the table. His only visible injury was a black eye that Buck had accidentally given him when he’d barreled into him when he’d seen the RPG heading toward them.

Then there was Darryl Simpson their leader, and who currently had his left arm in a sling. He had dark brown skin and hair that was shaved close to his scalp, and had light brown eyes. He was the oldest of them at 28 years old and was a no-nonsense kind of guy, but always seemed to be more indulgent when it came to Buck. Then again, he knew that he could exasperate the most patient of people, and was glad that his leader was confident enough in his abilities to tolerate his... quirks.

Buck was the worse off, having covered Eoin from the blast and been hit with shrapnel all along his back and shoulders. They’d pulled out a grand total of seven pieces of metal. That’s the reason he was laying on his side.

“You got mail, Buck?” Diego said, groaning as he sat down. They were all bruised and battered, but thankfully whole. Mostly. “Who’d want to write to you?” He tried to snatch the letter but Buck smacked his hand away at the same time that Darryl smacked the back of his head with his right hand. “ _Mierda_ , that hurt!”

“Serves you right,” Buck said with a huff, stuffing Maddie’s letter into the envelope. Then he lifted the most recent picture of Maddie and Jack to show them as he grinned proudly. “It’s a letter from my sister. Meet my niece, Jack.”

Eoin hummed as he sat down on an empty cot and took the picture carefully in his hand. “Ain’t Jack a boy’s name?” The man was only wearing his fatigue bottoms and a grey shirt with the word Navy on the front, and thus he could see the sprinkling of reddish brown hairs all along his arms. They all showered together, so he knew that the man’s body hair extended along his arms, up to his shoulders and to his back and around to his chest. It wasn’t enough to be distasteful, but he’d never seen such connection when it came to someone’s body hair. He’d never looked lower to see if it spread all the way down, both front and back, since he didn’t want the others to notice.

Neither of his team knew he was bisexual.

“It’s short for Jacqueline,” Buck explained, watching as they passed the picture between them. “She was born while we were doing our BUD/S.” Well, while he, Hernandez and Walsh had been doing their BUD/S. Simpson had already completely his two years previously and had gotten promoted.

“She’s cute,” Diego said, handing the picture back.

Buck grinned down at it and nodded. “Yeah she is.”

They visited with him for a bit before Simpson had to head out to give his report, and Walsh left to get some food at the mess hall. Hernandez stayed at his bedside and they dropped back into their impromptu Spanish lessons. Buck had never had a friend like Diego, whom he’d shared things he never had with anyone, not even Maddie.

His hair was starting to grow, compared to when they’d met after all of them had undergone a induction buzz cut. It had been an almost humiliating experience, but the training had made Buck quickly forget about it. He watched Diego out of the corner of his eye as they practiced, his blue eyes tracing over his strong jawline and then his long nose that fit his face. He was handsome and totally Buck’s type, but unfortunately, he was straight as a board. It didn’t matter even if he wasn’t, since even if DADT had ended, it was still frowned upon to engage in romantic relationships between sailors.

Also, their jobs were already stressful enough having to try and keep one another alive, and adding romance to it would only serve to complicate things. It’d likely get them killed.

Besides, Diego had a girlfriend he’d left back in Texas and was planning on marrying her when they were given leave, which unfortunately wouldn’t be for at least another eight months. “ _¿Que vas hacer cuando termines tu servicio_?”

Buck sighed as he ran a hand through his growing dark blonde hair. “ _Me voy a mover a Los Angeles. Después de eso, no se._ ”

And he really didn’t know what he would do after his tour ended and moved to Los Angeles. He knew that he didn’t want to ever hold a weapon in his hands ever again, because he’d killed more people than he cared to count ever since they’d started their deployment almost four months ago. When he was done with his tour, he didn’t want to add to that list ever again.

“ _¿Y tu?_ ” he asked him, continuing on practicing his Spanish. It would help when he moved to L.A., since the Hispanic community was large there. “ _¿Todavía te vas a casar con tu novia? Me invitas, ¿ no?_ ”

Diego silently stared down at his hands for a moment. “She actually broke up with me... said she couldn’t handle a long distance relationship.”

“Shit, I’m sorry man,” Buck said, reaching out to grab his wrist. Diego turned and he grasped his hand back, giving it a squeeze before releasing it.

“Maybe it’s for the best,” he sighed, rubbing a hand up and down his tired features. “She was against me joining, knowing how long I was going to be gone.” He turned his gaze to the other. “And you, got anyone special waiting for you?”

Buck knew a deflection when he heard one, but didn’t begrudge him the subject change. He also noticed that he didn’t ask whether he had a girlfriend, and wondered if it was because he knew of his preferences, or it was nothing. “Ah, no... no girlfriend.” He lifted the pictures, shifting a bit to adjust the pillow under his head. Buck was tired of laying on his side, but he couldn’t be on his back and the medic had threatened to tie him to the cot if he tried to get up. So, he was forced to lay there, straining his neck as he tried to look at his friend. “Just my sister and now my niece,” he said with a happy grin, because now having Jack made him the happiest he’d ever been.

“Maybe a boyfriend?” Diego suddenly asked.

Buck’s eyes snapped up to look at him, worried what he’d see there, because Hernandez was his partner; his brother. He felt relief fill him when he only saw him looking back curiously, eyebrow raised. “N-no,” he said, swallowing back the emotion. He was a Navy SEAL, he’d been trained to push back his emotions and not let them interfere with a mission. Only, this wasn’t a mission. This was where he’d either deny his partner’s words or admit to them. He wasn’t sure as to what he’d label his sexuality as, just that he liked who he liked. “No boyfriend either, but I’m waiting until my tour is over before I find one.”

The other nodded. “Yeah, that might be for the best. Long distance relationships suck, especially when one of you isn’t completely invested in the other.”

A mischievous grin spread over his face, even if he was tentative in his teasing. “Maybe you’re batting for the wrong team? You’d definitely find a boyfriend in no time.”

Diego laughed and shook his head. “Thanks, but no thanks. I prefer women.”

“A loss for all gay men, I’m sure,” he snarked with a grin. After a moment, his blue eyes lowered away from his face, coming to rest on his right knee. “How did you know I was... that I liked guys?” he asked quietly.

He felt Diego’s hand on his head and lifted his gaze back to the other, who’d leaned down to tap his forehead to his. It was a familiar gesture, one they did just before a mission. Buck felt relief as he did it now, not deterred by Buck liking men. “Because you’re my bother,” he said, looking into his eyes before releasing him and leaning back in his seat. “And cause I’m a mother fucking SEAL and I notice things.”

Buck laughed and nodded, realized a moment what he’d said and looked back at Hernandez. “Do they know?”

He was referring to Walsh and Simpson, of course, and that cold feeling of dread was back thinking that they might reject him. Buck had been abandoned by his own parents, then by Maddie (even if he’d already forgiven her), so it stood to reason that he’d be left by his teammates as well.

“Yeah, we know,” Eoin said, appearing suddenly at Diego’s shoulder as he chewed on something, scaring the crap out of Buck. He’d been so concentrated on Hernandez that he hadn’t even noticed him coming back. Or Darryl for that matter as the dark skin man sat on the foot of his cot, and Buck moved his long legs as he grumbled. “Kid, we don’t care who you like to have sex with. We’re brothers, thicker than water and blood, because we’ve bled for one another.”

As if to prove his point, he felt a pulse of pain in his back and he remembered the seven pieces of shrapnel he’d taken for the man. He knew Eoin was remembering as well. He looked at Diego and recalled that he’d taken a bullet for him, and Buck had been scared out of his mind until he’d confirmed that it had hit his vest. And Simpson, who’d picked up a live grenade and threw it away from them, only for it to explode a few feet in the air, knocking him back into his teammate’s arms. He’d had a few burns on his face from the blast, but had been mostly unharmed. And Eoin who patched them up even as bullets were flying around them, leaving himself unprotected. Because he trusted that they’d protect him.

These were his brothers, and he would die for them. And, he realized with tears in his eyes, that they would for him as well.

“I’m not a kid,” he muttered, not bothering to try to be discreet as he wiped at his eyes. The others only laughed as they called him ‘baby Buck’.

\- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

**_February 03, 2014 - Washington Navy Yard, Washington D.C._ **

“Come on, Buck, it’s not so bad,” Diego told him, amused smile curving his lips. They were currently in a room on a Navy destroyer, docked at the shipyard and unable to move. There was a bomb that had gone off not too long ago in a hotel and the Secretary of the Navy had been killed. That meant that they were grounded for the time being.

“It’s easy for you to say,” Buck groaned as he curled up with his hands clutched to his stomach. He was use to being on a boat, hell he was use to being tied up while submerged underwater while half naked and expected to untie himself before he drowned. Although, he suspected that it wasn’t seasickness, but food poisoning from that sketchy food vendor in Kabul. That was added to them on a plane for 16 hours with also shitty plane food, and his stomach had had enough. Evan was just lucky he’d stopped puking. Although, he might start again if they didn’t get off this ship soon.

It had been a week of them being stuck there, and frankly, even Hernandez was over it, and he’d spent a lot of time on ships and boats growing up.

They had been on their way back from a mission, hitching a ride on the Bombardier E-11 from an abandoned airfield outside of Kabul. It wasn’t the first time they’d been in Kabul, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last. The plane hadn’t even landed for two minutes before their team had hurried on board, and they’d immediately taken off, flying low to stay off the radar until they’d gotten to Bagram Air Base. From there they’d immediately gotten on a Boeing headed for the U.S.

When they’d landed at the Naval Air Station Oceana, they’d gotten on a helo but they’d been rerouted to Washington Navy Yard during the flight and landed on the ship. They’d hadn’t moved since, and Buck was seriously starting to regret all his life choices up till that point.

“When are we going to get out of here?”

“It’ll happen soon enough,” Darryl told the younger man. When Buckley had first been placed in their platoon, he hadn’t thought much of him. A distinctive birthmark over his left eye, and the disposition of a golden retriever that not even Hell Week had been able to suppress. He was also an encyclopedia of knowledge, but they indulged him since at times he had said some interesting things.

It was also because he was the youngest of all of them at 22; 21 at the time. They all doted on the kid like a younger sibling, and that also meant good-natured teasing, and making sure he stayed alive. He had a tendency to downplay any injury he sustained, when he’d confronted the young man about it —since he didn’t need any suicidal nuts on his team— Buck had told him he didn’t want to be a burden. The older man felt his blood boil at someone making the other ever feel that, anyone, but especially Buck, who gave his smiles away so easily.

Simpson knew this life they lived was a hard one the young man, seven years his junior, and he hadn’t thought he had it in him when he’d first started his BUD/S training, but any reservations Simpson had had at first were gone as they had neared their first month of training. Buck was a little hotheaded (and a whole lotta stupid when he wanted to prove himself), but he was capable. He was quick thinking and had the reflexes one only dreamed of in their line of work. Now, seven months as a team, there was no one else he’d rather have at his back on his 4 man fire team.

“Take this as a time to rest, because soon we’ll be right back out there,” Hernandez tells him with a grin, nudging him with his boot. Buck groaned and batted at him.

“Go up top and get some air, Buck,” Simpson said, arching a brow at Walsh over the tops of his cards. The other man gave him a shark grin and he decided to fold while he could. It wouldn’t do to lose all his money to the slightly younger man. They weren’t supposed to be gambling, but there was only so much they could do on the ship when they had no other duties. They could only do so much PT to pass the time.

“How much longer until we leave? I need to do _something_ ,” Buck stressed as he stood on shaky legs.

“That’s why you’re Buck,” Walsh mused as he collected his winnings. “Like a buck that has too much energy.”

Hernandez laughed too loudly in the small room, making Simpson want to kick him out. “That’s why you were given that name!”

Evan, who’d been dubbed Buck during his first week of his BUD/S training (since there were two other Evans there), grumbled under his breath as he left to take on some air. He couldn’t wait for them to get out of here, or else he might feel a need to strangle his brothers. That’s what they were, having survived the year long training and then deployment that had them risking their lives almost every day. He’d certain die for them and they for him, but still, sometimes they annoyed the hell out of him.

He thought that maybe that was how a family was supposed to be like. He wouldn’t know, since for a long time it had only been him and Maddie.

It was nice.

Or rather, it was nice only _after_ they came out alive from their 12 month grueling training and dangerous missions.

\- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

**_July 20, 2014 - Naval Station Norfolk_ **

As the line connected, Buck held his breath as he heard his sister’s voice after more than two years. “Evan,” she sighed. He’d sent her letters when he could, when he wasn’t bone tired and collapsing on his cot. At times, they were in the air and jumping out of a plane or a helo, or diving deep into the water with only Hernandez at his side as they tried to avoid being seen by a sniper before Walsh or Simpson took them out.

So, there were only a few dozen letters that had been written between them, but only until after he’d stopped being angry. Maddie had told him about Daniel before he left for boot camp, which is what had pushed him through the worst of it. The pain and anger at his parents (and some at Maddie for keeping it a secret) had driven him through the physical aspects, and he’d studied his ass off for the ASVAB. The 12 months of training had been the most grueling thing he’d gone through, but he’d made it and now he was part of the most elite teams in the world.

He knew it wasn’t going to be easy, since the missions were difficult and his sister had been his only means of support and comfort, and she was too far away now. He only had the guys, and it wasn’t enough at the beginning. Then after the hellish training, they’d had to rely on each other, put their lives in one another’s hands since there were guys that had literally died from the training. So, one had no choice but to bond after that. They became brothers, a part of his family besides Maddie. He wanted them to meet, but he also hadn’t spoken to his sister since he’d left.

Of course he’d told her about them in his letters, but it wasn’t the same. Before he could pretend that it was due to his training having taken up a whole year, and in a way, it was true. However, he also hadn’t contacted her afterwards, and it had taken four months into his deployment before he’d dared to send her a letter.

This would be their first phone conversation in two years, and he was feeling guilty. He also didn’t know what to say to her.

“Hey Mads,” he finally said. “Sorry I haven’t called.” Even if they’d exchanged letters, it was different to having a conversation on the phone.

“Nono, it’s alright,” she hurried to say. He heard her sigh again. “I honestly don’t blame you. We lied to you your whole life, I couldn’t expect you to just be okay about it.” He couldn’t see her, but he could tell she was tired and he wondered if she’d want to see him.

“Uh, listen, I have leave in a few days, and I was thinking I could come see you and Jack.” He knew she’d said that she had a new house and her letter said the only thing missing was him. Buck just didn’t know whether she’d have room for him, or whether he would be welcome around her innocent daughter. He was so touched by violence, and his hands were so covered in blood that he didn’t think it’d ever wash off.

“Oh, when is it?” she gasped, voice vibrating with excitement. It made his anxiety lessen somewhat.

Buck leaned against the wall as he crossed his legs at the ankles, one hand pressing the phone against his ear as his other hand was stuffed into the stiff pants of his fatigues. They were on the way to their next mission, and he’d already suited up. They were due to leave in twenty minutes, but he wanted to call Maddie to tell her of his upcoming leave. “At the end of this month. I’m getting a week, but I’m likely to be called back before it’s over,” he sighed. “I’m thinking of getting a hotel room near by-”

“No, you’re staying with us,” she told him immediately.

He frowned at her words, already shaking his head since he didn’t want to impose on her. Also, he was sure that any spare room she had was being used as a nursery for Jack, and there was no way he’d take that away from her. “I don’t want to be in the way,” he told her.

“Evan,” she sighed, making his shoulders hunch up as his hackles went up. The use of his name always reminded him of Margaret. Even if he knew that Maddie was nothing like their mother, the way she said his name sometimes reminded him of the way the older woman said it whenever he had gotten hurt; with such disappointment. Buck knew she wasn’t disappointed in him, but it still made him feel that way. “You are in no way a burden. I want you here... please.”

Buck’s eyes lifted to the ceiling, trying to think of how to deny her without hurting her feelings. He hadn’t slept in anything that wasn’t a military issue bed it tucked up against rocks while on a mission, and he was unsure how it would be to stay with Maddie and Jack in the house. The man was scared he might be asleep and one of them would try to shake him awake and his instincts would take over. The last thing he wanted was to hurt either of them. “I can... sleep on the couch,” he conceded. After all, it was only a week, and he might even be called back before then. It would be fine.

“Oh!” she said with a laugh, and he wondered what about what he’d said she could find funny. “Don’t worry about that, I’ll have a room ready for you.” He was confused, wondering how that could be. Maybe she’d move Jack in with her during that time.

“I wouldn’t want to push Jack out of her room.”

“Buck, the house has three rooms, you won’t be pushing Jack out of her room,” she clarified. “When I bought the house, I knew that I wanted you to come live with us, so I made sure to buy a three bedroom house.”

He swallowed back his emotion, blinking to try and forstal any tears. He was right outside the barracks and there were a lot to other sailors walking by every few minutes. Normally he’d take the call in the barracks, but a team had just come back from a tough mission and were sleeping off their fatigue. He’d thus taken his call outside. “Oh, yeah? I-I... that’s... alright then I guess,” he said, clearing his throat.

He pushed his hand through his hair, his curls having grown to almost touching his ear and forehead, and knew he’d need a haircut soon. “Just let me know when you get to California and I’ll come get you.”

“Buck!” He lifted his head as he heard Diego calling him, nodding as the other man jerked his thumb behind him.

“Listen, I gotta go. And don’t worry about coming to get me, I’ll just order an Uber.”

“Be safe, Buck,” she told him, “We expect to see you in a few days.”

He grinned as he was reminded that he would finally meet Jack. She was already a year and four months, and while he could have wished to be there for her first birthday, he’d sent her a gift. “I‘ll see you soon, Mads. Love you both.”

“We love too, little brother.”

With those words warning his heart, he hung up the phone and hurried toward the waiting helo. He pushed his thoughts of his leave, seeing Maddie after two years and even meeting Jack for the first time into a box and closed it. Then he let the calm settle over him as he breathed in and out.

It was time to stop being Evan Buckley and be Buck, Navy SEAL.-

\- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Translations:  
>  Diego:** _What are you going to do when your tour is over?_  
>  **Buck:** _Move to Los Angeles. After that, I don’t know. And you? Still going to marry your girlfriend? Invite me, ok?_


	3. Find A Way Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck is given leave...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter was finished, but as always happens, another part demanded to be written. I won’t say which it is though. This chapter is longer now because of it. Also, another thing, this isn’t a romantic story, just to let you know. Pay attention to the tags, since they change every time I upload another chapter. Enjoy this trash and let me know what you think.

**Nothing But Smoke  
Chapter Three:** _Find A Way Out_

\- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

_“Tell me when the light goes out  
That even in the dark we will find a way out  
Tell me now 'cause I believe in something  
I believe in us_

_Used to be kids living just for kicks  
In cinema seats, learning how to kiss  
Running through streets that were painted gold  
We never believed we'd grow up like this...”_

~Us - James Bay

  
\- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

_**July 23, 2014 - 2030 hours** _

The Hispanic man was spitting mad, it was easy to see as his shoulders heaved and he gripped his gun with knuckles turning white. He was at least six inches shorter than Buck, but he knew that height wouldn’t mean anything when it came to skill. And the special agent in front of them was dangerous.

“You can scream at us all night long, Special Agent,” Simpson told him, hip cocked and semi automatic weapon resting against his leg. “Or we can work as a team to save these kids.”

He glared up at Simpson, who was at least three inches taller than him, but this didn’t intimidate him. It only seemed to piss him off actually. “You follow my lead,” he spat furiously. He looked at all of them, seemed to get even angrier that he only got blank stares in return. “No cowboy heroics. These kids have been through enough.”

He turned as he checked his weapon, squaring his shoulders as he took a few deep breaths. “If it comes down to it, kill them all. The kids safety is my only concern.”

“Yup,” Simpson only answered.

Buck felt uneasy killing without provocation. However, that vanished the moment they came upon the first cage filled with children, some as young as two years old. They were filthy, some covered in blood and all sporting at least one injury.

The shooting started not too long after that, and Buck felt no remorse for any of the men he killed. They were monsters, and deserved what they got. When it was over and he was coming down from the adrenaline rush, he was crouched against the wall as his hands shook around his rifle.

His eyes lifted as he heard the pitter patter of little feet and he saw a little girl stop in front of him. Her skin was a beautiful chocolate brown color, and the dirt on her made it seem even darker. “Hi,” he said softly. Her short hair was matted in filth and other substances he didn’t dare think about lest he find the men they’d left alive and wrap his hands around their disgusting throats. “I’m Evan. What’s your name, sweetheart?”

He saw her eyeing his rifle warily and he set it beside him and held out his empty hands. She had hazel eyes filled with more pain than anyone her age should have to endure, since she couldn’t be more than four or five. “Nadia,” she said, patting her chest. She reached forward with her tiny fingers and tapped his own chest. “Evan?”

Buck nodded with a grin, unclipping his helmet and taking it off so she could see his face better. Her little fingers immediately sought out his birthmark, tracing it curiously. “ _Intle_ ,” she murmured, but Buck didn’t understand the word she used. They weren’t sure where most of these children were from, and that would make finding their homes more difficult. He wanted to bundle her up and take her with him, keep her safe. Buck knew how irrational that was, since she probably had family out there somewhere. Also, he led a dangerous life and it would be highly irresponsible to bring a child into that kind of life.

“Intle?” he repeated uncertainly, wincing at his horrible pronunciation.

“It means pretty,” Walsh said as he found them. “It’s Xhosa. She’s probably from somewhere in South Africa.” He crouched down to her level, the little girl latching onto the sleeve of Buck’s fatigues. “ _Molo, uvelaphi sithandwa_?” he said in a language Buck couldn’t understand. It was probably Xhosa or whatever he’d said it was called.

“ _Bronkors_ ,” she said, “ _siyitya kakhulu_.”

Walsh was thoughtful for a moment before he pulled his phone and started to type something. “Huh, well I think she might mean Bronkhorstspruit, which was named after watercress, or bronkors,” he said with a laugh as he turned to show her photos of the town.

“Mmh!” Nadia exclaimed with a wide smile. The sight filled both men with a warm feeling, because she was still able to smile even after all the horror she’d been through.

“Let’s get you home then, Nadia.” She turned to look at him with a confused tilt of her head, and Buck pointed at the picture of the town. “Home.”

“H... home,” she repeated and Evan and Eoin nodded. “Nadia home!”

“Yeah, pet, you’re going home,” Walsh confirmed.

Evan asked Simpson as to whether they could accompany Nadia home, and the man had huffed in exasperation and agreed. It was probably strange to have a Navy SEAL team accompany a four year old home, but Buck wouldn’t have it any other way. Besides, Nadia held his hand the whole way, only letting go when she was reunited with her distraught mother almost two days later. He got choked up watching the reunion, and neither of the others commented on it.

He thought of little Jack, whom he’d watched grow through pictures, and who he was going to see in a few days for the first time. Buck was glad that he was able to get this other little girl home as well.

Then, it was time for them to leave, they shook hands with Special Agent, who grudgingly thanked them for their help. Buck slapped his back when it was his turn. “Maybe we’ll see each other again, Special Agent Torres.”

“Nick,” he said.

The blonde man grinned. “Buck,” he told him. They’d busted up that child trafficking ring, which had messed with each of them in one way or another. But they’d had one another’s back all the same. “This means we’re brothers now,” he said with a grin.

Nick snorted but gripped his hand tighter. “Yeah, brothers,” he hummed.

Buck winked at him before he walked away, back to his unit and soon back to Coronado after another successful mission. Also, with a new longing for Buck to one day have a family of his own. One day.

\- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

_**July, 31 2014, 11:30am - Los Angeles, California** _

Buck got out of the Uber, still in his fatigues but thankfully they were clean and a graze from a bullet at his side was tightly bandaged. Darryl had ripped him a new one when he’d figured out that Buck had just slapped a bandage on it and called it treated. It hadn’t needed stitches, but he was due to do a ginormous amount of PT when he got back from leave as punishment. The graze would have healed by then, so he wasn’t worried about that. It was the mother-henning he’d be subjected to by his teammates. Honestly, it wasn’t like he’d actually been shot! At least, not this time.

He forgot about the torture his teammates would subject him to and instead looked at the house he’d been dropped off at as he whistled. The life insurance money must have been good for it to pay enough to afford a place like this. It was nice, and in a good neighborhood. The house across the street had a few kids playing out on the front lawn while a father grilled and a mother lounged in a wicker chair on the front patio.

The house next door was painted a bright yellow with a white trim, and it even had a white picket fence around the property. There were white roses growing beside the porch, which was raised up and had three concrete steps that led up to the porch. As he walked up the walkway, he saw a small, old Hispanic woman watering the white rose bushes next to the steps. The grass was a bit overgrown in the front yard, and wondered how the backyard was.

Buck saw the lady of the yellow house wave at him with a wide smile, and his lips quirked up a bit and waved back.

After another moment gathering his courage, he knocked. A few seconds later the door was flung open. “Evan!” Maddie cried and lunged at him. He caught his sister, stepping back with his right foot to keep him standing, and then wrapped his arms around the small woman as he dropped his duffel bag. She pulled back and took his face in between her hands. “Oh gosh, look at you,” she sighed, thumb brushing against his birthmark in a familiar gesture. “Welcome home, little brother.”

“Mads,” he breathed. Buck looked into her face a moment, trying to see the changes that had taken place in the two years since he’d last seen her. Her face was a bit rounder, but she looked healthier and with a happiness he hadn’t seen since... well, never, if he was honest. They had grown up in a household that any day could turn into a hostile situation and she’d been as miserable as him until the day she’d left, and when he’d seen her again after she moved back...

Maddie had never really been happy, not as she was now, and that in turn made _him_ happy. Then her words registered. “What do you mean home?”

She grabbed his hand and pulled him inside as he grabbed his duffle bag, waving at the little old lady from the yellow house. “Good morning, Isabel!” she called. Isabel called back a good morning and then Maddie was closing the door. Maddie led him past the entranceway, up the stairs and went to the first door they came upon. Buck had been looking around as he took in everything he could, but now turned his attention to the room as she opened the door.

It was like stepping back in the past, since it was almost like the room at their parents house. As he’d grown up, it had been the only place he could find peace, where he could lock himself in, putting on his earphones. He’d listen to music loudly and drown out his mother’s screeching voice, or his father’s disapproving words.

“I got the rest of your stuff... after you went to boot camp.” She stepped further in, standing beside him as he picked up one of his football trophies from high school. “Then when we moved here, I set this room up for you.” Maddie grabbed his hands. “I want you to come live with us when your tour is up.”

Buck frowned, thinking she should have thrown all of this away. He didn’t need the reminder, not of that house, and certainly not of all the games his parents had missed. “I don’t know what to say,” he told her honestly. He had two more years left of his tour, and even if he’d planned on moving to Los Angeles, he’d never once assumed that he would live with Maddie and Jack. It wasn’t because he didn’t want to, but he knew that after two more years doing the types of missions they were doing, he would not be okay.

He already woke up in a cold sweat a lot of nights, when he actually got to sleep in a bed. Buck couldn’t image how more damaged he’d be after two more years.

“Say yes,” she told him, taking the football trophy and setting it back down.

He opened his mouth to say something, when they heard a cry. “M’ma!” a tiny voice sobbed.

Buck felt his heart skip a beat as Maddie turned around and left the room, but he was hot on her heels as he dropped his duffle bag beside the door. They passed a door that was ajar to show a bathroom, and came to two more doors. She opened the last door and led him inside. It was obviously Jack’s room, because the walls were painted like the sky with white fluffy clouds over the ceiling, but he could also see stars stuck onto the surface barely visible. He realized they were glow in the dark stickers, and that during the night they lit up in the dark room. There was a crib, one of those models that could be changed from being for a newborn to one for a toddler.

He followed her to the crib where the little girl was already sitting up and gripping the rails as she cried for her mother. Maddie lifted her up, one under her diaper clad bottom and the other across her back. Jack rested her head against her shoulder, tucked up under Maddie’s chin. “Hey, baby, did you have a good nap?” she cooed.

Buck watched them silently, seeing those familiar blue eyes observing him silently, one hand grasped around a small blanket and the other with a thumb shoved into her pouting mouth. Buck didn’t think he’d ever believed in love at first sight, but looking down at his niece for the first time that wasn’t in a picture, he now believed it. “Hi,” he whispered, taking his cap off and setting it aside.

Maddie turned and patted Jack’s back, and she straightened up. “This is my brother Evan, Jack.” The little girl looked at Maddie and then at Buck. “I showed you pictures, remember? He’s your Uncle Buck.”

She seemed to perk up at that and Buck laughed that the name Buck was what she remembered. And then she was holding her arms out to him and he shrank away, because the thought of holding her with his blood-covered hands was daunting. However, Maddie was having none of it as she stepped forward into his space and pressed the one year old into his arms, and he instinctively grabbed onto her when she stepped back.

“Oh,” he breathed, Jack’s weight in his arms as her little legs clutched around his sides and arms latching onto his neck. He held her like he was holding a fragile piece of glass, firmly so as not to drop her, but gentle so as not to hurt her. Buck pressed the softest of kisses against the side of her head as he rocked from side to side. “Hello, baby girl. I’m your Uncle,” he told her, voice breaking with emotion. After a moment where the scent of her baby shampoo filled his nose and she nuzzled her tiny, snotty nose against the side of his neck, he nodded. “Yes.”

He hadn’t noticed Maddie using her phone to record their first meeting, having taken a picture of them first as he held her. Now she recorded them as Buck rocked in the middle of the room with the little girl in his arms. “Hmm?” Maddie inquired, too choked up with emotion to speak at the moment as she watched her baby girl with her brother. She lifted her face from the screen at the same time as he raised his head where he’d been resting it against Jack’s smaller head.

“This is home. She’s my home,” he murmured. He lifted blue eyes filled with tears. “When my tour is over I’ll come back to you both.”

His sister rushed forward, hugging them both tight and he was careful with his strength as he returned it. Before, he hadn’t had much hope on what his life would be like after his tour was over. Frankly, he had thought he might not even make it back from a mission. Now, things were different.

Buck had a family to get back to now; his sister and his niece.

He would fight to come home to them.

\- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

_**August 02, 2014, 7:00am** _

Buck had gotten use to getting up early in the morning, and being on leave was no different. This was the second day he had been there, and he rose before the sun, got dressed and started on his morning two hour work-out. The first morning he had gotten a feel of the territory, tracked which houses had dogs that weren’t leashed, and what time people left their houses. It was a peaceful neighborhood and he could imagine Jack having a childhood that was nothing like theirs, where she was happy.

It was like he was on auto-pilot during that second work-out as he started his stretching exercises followed by his push-up, sit-ups, pull-ups and burpees. Afterwards it was followed by a 10 mile run. He wished Maddie had a pool so he could get some laps in, and he’d bring it up to her later. Maybe when Jack was older and would understand the rules of not getting in the water alone. He was thinking of this as he turned back onto their block. Buck was used to a longer work-out, since he couldn’t afford to slack off. Their missions were dangerous and they all needed to be at their top physical condition if they hoped to stay alive.

At times, even that wasn’t enough.

He figured that a few days wouldn’t be much difference, since he wanted to get back in time to cook Maddie breakfast before she woke up. She’d asked for time off while he was there, so they had a full day ahead of them, and Buck was looking forward to it. He was also looking forward to later tonight where he’d take care of some... other needs.

As he ran up the last few feet to the front door of the house, he saw that Isabel was already outside. She was wearing a straw hat and holding the water hose in one hand while she fanned herself with a brightly colored hand fan with the other. He couldn’t blame her, since it was unseasonally hot for August especially with fall right around the corner.

Buck saw her sway and immediately reacted as he was over the fence easily, and caught her before she collapsed. “I got you, ma’am,” he said, supporting her as he helped her to the bench she had on the porch. It had a cushioned seat and it was still early enough that it was shaded, so he left her there with her legs elevated and rushed over to their house, turning off the water as he went. He brought her some cold water and handed it to her. “You’re probably having a bit of heat exhaustion, so take slow sips.” He’d crouched down to look her over, seeing her flushed face and wondering if getting her inside her house wouldn’t be the best thing.

“Did you want to get inside? It’ll be best to get in an air-conditioned room.”

She shook her head. “No, I do not have one.” That threw him a moment, since almost everyone he knew had one. “I live.. on a fixed income,” she told him. “I can’t afford one.”

Buck frowned at the thought of how hot some days could get, especially in Los Angeles. “Do you have family that can help you? Where is your husband?”

Again, Isabel shook her head. “My husband died a few years ago, and I only have my sister living here with me. Her husband was hurt at work last month, so I can’t ask her.”

“Maybe your children?”

He grew even more heartbroken every time she shook her head. “My son lives in El Paso. His two girls have their own families, and his son is on deployment right now.”

Buck looked over her front yard and the grass was a bit overgrown as well as the backyard. He’d been outside yesterday doing a bit of yard work for Maddie, even if she had insisted that she had someone that she paid to do it. Buck wouldn’t hear of it, since he could at least do that much for her. She’d insisted he stay there without paying her anything, wouldn’t even hear of it, so he wanted to help her out by fixing stuff around the house and doing some simple yard work.

As he’d been doing that, he noticed the overgrown grass next door and an old push mower he hadn’t seen since he was a kid. He remembered it well, since he’d had to push it plenty of times to cut the grass at their house for allowance money. Buck remembered the old Hispanic lady from the day before and wondered if she had someone that came over to help her with yard work. Now he had his answer, she was alone.

“Well, you can’t very well be alone right now, so come on. You can come over to our house.” She shook her head, trying to say that she was fine by herself, but Buck insisted.

“ _Ay, muchacho necio_ ,” she huffed, “ _igual que mi nieto._ ”

Buck beamed at her at her words. “ _No es un insulto ser comparado con tu familia_ ,” he said cheekily.

Isabel seemed surprised that he spoke Spanish, and then laughed and lifted a hand to his cheek. “ _Que güero coqueto,_ ” she said as she shook her head. “ _Lastima que todos mis nietas están casadas, o te las presentaría._ ”

He tried not to blush at that, and was glad that her granddaughters were married so she didn’t start playing matchmaker. “Well, come on,” he said as he helped her to her feet. As she tried to insist that she was fine, he gave her a look. “Don’t make me carry you, ma’am.”

She actually giggled, batting at his head lightly. “You’re such a charmer, but I can walk. And none of this ma’am nonsense, it’s Isabel,” she told him. Even so, she leaned most of her weight against him and he was content to let her. He pushed the front door open and then closed it after them, the cold air hitting them and when he heard Isabel sigh, he knew he’d made the right choice.

Buck set her up in the living room with her feet elevated and a cold glass of some of his sugar-free Powerade, and then hurried off to have a quick shower to wash off the sweat from his work-out. As he was coming out of his room fully clothed, Maddie was coming out of the nursery with a sleepy Jack in her arms. “Morning,” he said with a smile. He’d never stop being so grateful to be able to be here and seeing his sister and niece every morning. It had only been two mornings thus far, but he couldn’t wait for it to be permanently when his tour was over. Just two more years.

“Morning.” She lifted Jack’s little hand in a little wave. “Morning Uncle Buck,” she said in an imitation of a baby voice. It made his grin only grow. “Is someone here?”

He nodded as they moved down the hallway toward the stairs. “Yes, I was coming back from my ten mile run when I saw Isabel start to collapse from the heat.” Maddie gave him a look when he said ten miles but he only shrugged and brushed it aside. “I brought her here since she doesn’t have an A/C unit and no one to watch her while she recovers.”

Maddie looked concerned. “Should we call 911?” she inquired curiously.

Buck shook her head. “It’s just a bit of heat exhaustion. She just needs lots of liquids and a cool place, and she’ll be better in no time.” His sister gave him another look and he rolled his eyes. “I’ve been in the desert long enough to know when medical help is required, Mads, but if she isn’t better in half an hour I’ll drive her to the hospital myself.”

He’d been surprised to find that she had brought the Jeep over with her when she’d moved to L.A., and that it would be waiting for him when his three years were up. Buck had been glad when he’d driven it the other day it hadn’t brought back any bad memories, and had mostly felt like coming home. Maddie had driven him around in it a lot when they were still living at home, especially on those dates he’d been too scared to ask his parents to take him. Like his first date with a boy when he’d been 15 years old. Her and Doug had been back from Boston for a few months, and she hadn’t started to pull away yet.

So, having the Jeep back was something he had never expected, but had always hoped.

Maddie nodded and together they went downstairs, where Jack greeted Isabel with a happy squeal. It seemed that having little Jack close lessened the ache of her great-grandkids living so far away. So she doted on the girl, always having a sweet for her, and even offering to watch her whenever Maddie’s usual babysitter wasn’t available.

Buck made breakfast for all three of them, and sure enough Isabel started to feel better after 30 minutes. She tried to duck away then, but both Buckley siblings insisted that she stay even if they had plans. After all, they could change their plans, and it was decided that they’d have a cook-out. Buck and little Jack went out, the young man learning for the first time how to attach a car seat, and off they went to get the stuff needed for the impromptu cook-out.

As he and Jack were strolling the asile of the closest supermarket, he was approached by a woman. “Hi, gorgeous,” she said. She was blonde, with legs for days and beautiful, and any other time he’d have been already flirting back and asking for her number.

However, he was with Jack and he wasn’t having it, and frowned at her. “Hello, excuse me,” he grunted, moving around her with their cart. He pulled out their list as he went, barely hearing the woman scoff in annoyance. Buck didn’t really care. “So, let’s see if we can get some good things, cause I don’t know about you, Jack, but I haven’t gotten too many good meals in two years.”

He grabbed some drumsticks, a few T-bone steaks, and some fajita meat as per Isabel’s instructions. She said she had her husband’s receipt and she’d been wanting to use it for a while now. Apparently she hadn’t made his famous fajitas on the grill since before he died, and Buck was only happy to get her the things to do it. That included seasoning from the Mexican food aisle, as well as some lemons, onions, and jalapeños.

When he arrived at the house and saw another car in Isabel’s driveway, he frowned. He grabbed Jack, carrying her in one arm and the bags in another hand without any problems. “We’re back,” he said as closed the door after them. He came upon the dining room to find another Mexican lady that was slightly younger than Isabel and a man around her age. “Hi.”

Maddie was in the kitchen with Isabel and she hurried out when she heard his voice. “Evan, this is Josephina, Isabel’s sister and her husband Roberto.” She took the bags off him, having to use two hands.

Buck smiled at them, shaking the man’s hand that was closer and then he was being pulled into a hug by the woman. “So, you’re the brother I’ve heard so much about,” she said. That led him to believe that she came over frequently to visit her sister to be well acquainted with Maddie, enough to talk about him. “And you’re a Navy SEAL?”

“Yes, ma’am,” he answered, standing a bit straighter. Even if him becoming a SEAL hadn’t been much of a choice, he was proud of what he’d accomplished.

“None of that, you can call me Pepa,” she said.

Buck grinned and nodded. “Pepa, I’m Buck. It’s nice to meet you both.”

Roberto handed him a beer as he put Jack down so she could totter around, but kept an eye on her. Even if their plans were derailed, he wouldn’t change it, since they had a nice cook-out and was able to meet some nice people.

\- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

_**10:11pm** _

He ran a hand down the front of his shirt, not sure if he looked okay or not. It had been a long time since the last time he’d been on the dating scene, even if he really was only looking for a hook-up. He was going to be back on deployment soon, so he didn’t really want to start an actual relationship. Diego’s situation with his girlfriend had made him see that it was best to wait until he wasn’t on tour.

Buck noticed a man eyeing him right away. He wasn’t the conventional type of handsome, but he liked his smile. So, he didn’t waste time and went over to where he was at the bar. “Hey, can I buy you a drink?” he asked as he leaned a bit close. The other didn’t seem to mind as his smile increased. He had dark brown hair and caramel colored eyes and looked to be in his late twenties, maybe early thirties.

“If you’re buying, I’m drinking,” he confirmed, fingers brushing against Buck’s side. He was several inches shorter than him, forcing him to look up at Buck. He took the drink the bartender handed over, bringing it up to his mouth as his tongue traced over the edge to lick off the salt.

Buck ducked down, his hand on his hip as the other man swayed closer to him. “How about getting out of here and getting some dinner,” he said, since he didn’t want to be a douche. He could buy him food before he proposed getting a hotel room. There was no way he was taking him back to Maddie’s house and he wouldn’t assume he’d be invited back to the other’s house.

The man, whose name he hadn’t even asked yet, smirked as he took another sip of his drink. “I haven’t finished my drink yet,” he said, leaning up and brushing his lips teasing close to his mouth. “But after, forget the food and we go back to yours.”

Buck grimaced, since he had been afraid of that. “I have... roommates,” he said, pulling him back as he stepped away in disappointment. “But if your place is also out of the question...” He couldn’t blame him as he shook his head, since they didn’t know each other and it was natural to the other not to want Buck to know where he lived. “I can get us a room.”

“As long as it’s at the Hilton,” the other laughed.

“Of course,” he told him. “I’m Buck.”

The shorter man laughed. “That’s quite a name.”

“It’s a nickname,” he clarified. “I don’t really like my name... only my sister uses it.” He didn’t mention his parents, since for Buck they had all but ceased to exist when they’d abandoned him as he’d been facing manslaughter charges.

“Uh huh,” he hummed, setting his glass on the bar top. There were a lot of people around them and the music was loud, but they were close enough that they didn’t really have to shout. “Well then Buck, I’m Josh. How about we get out of here?”

Buck grinned and grabbed his hand. “I thought you’d never ask.”

\- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

He woke up as early as he usually did for his morning exercises, even if he had gotten in pretty late last night. It wasn’t like he was unused to operating on little to no sleep while on deployment. After his usual workout was finished, he hydrated and headed over to Isabel’s house to start cutting her grass, and even used the push mower. The sun was brutal, but he was use to being in full gear in a desert, so it was no hardship cutting grass in a t-shirt and basketball shorts.

Isabel had tried to convince him that he didn’t need to do her yard work, since she couldn’t pay him. He’d told her that he worked for food, and she’d promised to bring over some chicken tamales later that day. He was looking forward to it. He trimmed her rose bushes a bit when he was finished cutting the lawn, and after that he went inside to take a shower. He’d tried to skip breakfast, since he wanted to get the yard work done quickly, but Isabel had come out earlier with a flower tortilla with some beans in the middle.

He couldn’t believe how such simple food tasted so good. Buck just guessed that compared to the rations they had on mission, so anything home-cooked was a gourmet meal.

His hair was a bit damp still when he finished getting dressed, since Maddie had invited some friends from work over. Apparently they all wanted to meet the brother they’d all heard about. It warmed him to know that she did so, since he certainly talked about her and Jack to his teammates. They also talked about their families to him.

He heard the front door open followed by the sound of several voices, and quickly hung his towel before leaving his room. A woman’s voice greeted Jack and Buck found he liked the sound of it, and as he climbed down the stairs he heard another... familiar voice.

Buck frowned as he came around the stairwell and entered the living room, and promptly froze at the man that was straightening from talking to Jack. He turned toward Buck and he tensed as his eyes, caramel eyes that had been filled with pleasure not too long ago, went wide. It was Josh... Josh who’d all but been happy to fuck him on a bed of a Hilton hotel room last night.

Well, shit.

“Guys, this is my brother Evan,” Maddie said as she came out of the kitchen with a fruit platter.

“Buck...” he said faintly, “everyone just calls me Buck.”

He was distracted with an older woman with blonde hair stepped toward him with a smile, glasses on her face and held out a hand. “Hi Buck, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Abby Clark.”

“Hey,” he said as he shook her hand, trying and failing to _not_ look at Josh. “So, you both... work with Maddie?” This was the most awkward situation he had ever been in.

He sat closer to Abby when they all settled in the living room, Josh arching a brow as Buck discreetly shrugged. It wasn’t like he had been expecting to the see the man after last night, had thought they’d made it clear it was a one-night stand kind of thing. Now, he didn’t know what to do at realizing Josh was Maddie’s friend.

When Jack spilled her chocolate milk all over herself and Maddie went to change her clothes, and Abby went to the bathroom, they finally had a moment alone. “Well, this is unexpected,” Josh said sarcastically, grimace on his face.

“Yeah, sorry about that,” he muttered, meaning him avoiding him a while ago. “I didn’t expect to see you.” He rubbed at the back of his neck in embarrassment, since he hadn’t even said goodbye. Buck had waited until he was asleep to sneak out, since he’d had no intention of sleeping in the bed with him. He’d never shared a bed overnight before, and he doubted it was a good idea now. “And look, I had... a really good time last night, but I’m shipping out soon...”

“And you’re not looking to get involved with someone.”

Buck shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans for lack of a better thing to do with them. “Sorry,” he apologized again. “You’re a great guy and I’d totally date you, but my tour isn’t over for another two years.”

Josh huffed. “You’re pretty arrogant to think I’d date you,” he snarked. Buck winced, thinking he deserved that. “No, sorry, that was mean.” He ran his hand through his hair in agitation. “I would totally date you... you’re like a literal ten.”

He glanced toward the hallway as they heard the bathroom door open and close. “We can talk more later?” Buck asked hopefully. He wasn’t foolish enough to think he’d be able to have another night with him, but he wouldn’t mind being friends.

“Yeah, I’d like that.” Abby came in then as Buck stepped back. She glanced between them but didn’t say anything and Maddie joined them soon after that.

They exchanged number before he left. Josh asked him out that night, and even if Buck knew he was being stupid, he went. Buck planned on keeping it friendly, he really did, but that lasted only until they’d gotten a few drinks in them. They couldn’t keep their hands off one another after that, and this time they went to Josh’s place.

As they dozed afterwards, the shorter man pressed against his side, Buck knew he should leave, but Josh’s naked warm body felt nice. He hadn’t thought it’d feel so nice to sleep beside someone. So, he closed his eyes and told himself he’d sleep for a few minutes and then leave.

_Somehow, he knows he’s dreaming, yet at the same time he doesn’t. He and his team move silently over the sand, the full moon giving them enough light to see in front of them. As soon as they’ve passed, the wind is just enough to wipe away their footprints, and they’re like ghosts stalking their prey in the night._

_Darryl signals them and they stop, pressing close to the cliff face, behind him, followed by Hernandez, and Buck bringing up the rear. As their leader pops his head around the corner to look, he flinches before ducking back and a split second later they hear the sharp crack of gunfire._

_‘This is Zulu 01, preparing to engage,’ he hears Darryl on the comm, voice calm and quiet._

_’Roger that, Zulu 01.’_

_Darryl signals them forward as soon as the firing stops and they move together. As soon as he comes around the rocks, he’s already firing, Walsh on his six and covering him. Buck can hear the other teams, four teams of four, but their voices are wordless chatter as he’s suddenly in the line of fire. He feels something hit his night vision goggles as they splinter around his head. Buck rips them off, now useless and he’s only thankful that his eyes are unharmed. He’s also now blind in the dark and the others have disappeared._

_‘Zulu 04!’_

_Something blows beside him, and he’s knocked to the ground as his ears ring and his vision spots. A body suddenly lands on top of him, hands trying to rip the rifle from his hands as he grunts and fights back._

_‘Buck!’_

_He jerks the rifle to the side, throwing it away from them both and he grapples with the man. Buck manages to twist around him so he’s behind him, legs wrapped around his waist and arms coming to encircle his neck. From here he can easily break his neck..._

“ _ **Evan**!”_

The use of his name knocks him out of the dream, or perhaps it’s a nightmare as he realizes he’s on top of Josh, arms wrapped around his neck. A gasp escapes his throat as he lets him go like he’s been burned, scrambling back and away from the man that’s now coughing and sputtering.

“What... _gasps_...fuck was that?” Josh demands, one hand on his throat and the other yanking the blanket to cover himself. He’s looking at him with actual fear, and that’s the last thing Buck ever wanted.

“I... I’m sorry,” he chokes, not even sure what to say or even do. “I didn’t mean...”

Josh stands as he yanks the sheet off himself. “Yeah, I could tell,” he croaks, wincing as he walks toward the bathroom. “I think you should leave.”

Buck swallows as he nods, not blaming the other. He blames himself, because he knew this might happen. That’s the reason he hadn’t stayed the other night, because he knew it was unsafe to be around others, _he_ wasn’t safe. He wouldn’t be until he learned to control himself better.

He pulled his clothes on quickly, not wanting to be here when the other came out of the bathroom. Buck made sure to lock the door behind him, calling an Uber since his mind was too messed up to drive at the moment.

The man had the Uber stop at the nearest Walmart and bought a small A/C unit. When he was dropped off in front of his house the sun had been up for an hour, and he went over to Isabel’s since he knew she’d be up. When she saw him, she protested.

“Just make sure you have some tamales for me when I’m leave again,” he said with a smile he didn’t feel. She eyed him carefully a moment, and then sighed and stepped aside.

“You can set it up in the living room,” she instructed as she hustled off. “And then come sit down to eat some breakfast, you’re much too thin.”

Buck chuckled and wondered if all grandmothers were like that, wanting to feed people. He wouldn’t know, since he’d never met either set before they died. “I’m finished, Isabel,” he called.

“None of that, call me _abuela_. You’re practically family already,” she tutted as she bullied him into a seat. She set a plate of scrambled eggs in front of him with bacon and some ground pinto beans. He looked at her with a confused frown, and she shook her head fondly and set another plate with some flour tortillas.

“Awesome,” he chirped happily, tearing off a piece and using that to start eating. “I could get use to this, _abuela_.”

Unfortunately, he was called away the next day. Buck was sad to leave Maddie and Jack, but duty called. Although, he wished when his tour was over and he could stay for good; back to their house, and Isabel in her yellow house as she greeted him when he came back from his early morning run.

Back home.-

\- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Walsh: Where do you live, dear?  
> Nadia: Watercress. We eat it a lot.
> 
> Excuse my shitty use of this beautiful language. I used Google translate, but I think I got it wrong. So, sorry for any mistakes.
> 
> Isabel: Oh, what a stubborn boy! Just like my grandson  
> Buck: It’s not an insult to be compared to your family  
> Isabel: What a charming white skinned boy (sorta). It’s a shame my granddaughters are married or I’d introduce them to you.
> 
> Güero doesn’t really have an English counterpart, it’s just refers to a light skinned man/boy and it’s even used for light skinned Mexicans/Hispanics.


	4. The Light Goes Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky’s team is on the way to a reconnaissance mission...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to post this yesterday but I fell asleep lol and yeah, during the day. Sue me, I have insomnia and at times I get like 17 or 20 hours of sleep during the week, sometimes less. So I try to catch up on some sleep during the weekend. The hours I was asleep I had to wash my car and clean it from the inside and then sort some movie into a big disc album cause I’m sick of having all these dvd/Blu-ray cases lying around. We have a small space, we need to clear some of it. Anyways, enough ranting, cause I have to go clean the bathroom now. Lemme know what y’all think of this trash.

**Nothing But Smoke  
Chapter Four:** _The Light Goes Out_

\- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

_“So tell me how to be in this world  
Tell me how to breathe in and feel no hurt  
Tell me how 'cause I believe in something  
I believe in us_

_Tell me when the light goes out  
That even in the dark we can find a way out  
Tell me now 'cause I believe in something  
I believe in us_

_I believe in something  
And I believe in us...”_

\- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

_**August 29, 2015, Bagram Airbase** _

Buck sighed as he ended the video call telling Maddie that he’d been denied his leave. It wouldn’t be the first time, but he’d been missing home and had wanted to see Maddie and Jack. They’d started video calls shortly after his last leave the year before, so Jack wouldn’t forget him. It brought its own difficulties, since she always cried when he had to go and it broke his heart every time, and this time had been no different. They’d all been looking forward to his leave.

Also, this would be the one where Maddie and Jack would get to meet his team. He’d finally be able to have his family meet his brothers, his team. Now, who knows when he would get another chance. Buck had sent her a picture of their four man team, one taken during one of their recovery times and actually out of their gear. Diego had Buck in a headlock as they both laughed, Walsh shaking his head with arms crossed over his chest and face set in exasperation, and Darryl with hands on his hips and a rare smile on his face as he watched them.

“You’ll get to see them soon, brother,” Diego told him as he clapped him on the shoulder. “We’re ready to move out.” Hernandez was already in full gear, and all Buck needed was his helmet. He put it on now, grabbed his rifle and they left the barracks to go toward their waiting teammates.

“Are we ready, gentlemen?” Darryl shouts.

“Hoo-yah!” the other three chant, before double timing it toward the waiting Black Hawk.

Although night had fallen twenty minutes ago, the temperature was still unbearably hot, but it was something they’d gotten use to. Also having sands _everywhere_ was common, and they’d learned to live with the uncomfortable feeling of it between their skin and their clothes. As Buck climbed on, his hands disappeared into the inside pocket where he had a picture of Maddie and Jack, the first one she had sent him with their names written on the back. That’s the only thing he carried with him, since he didn’t like to have anything personal on him in case he got captured. He even left his phone behind lest it distract him.

He heard the pilot announce their departure as they lifted off, Buck sitting close to the closed door of the helo as he gripped the side of it with one hand, rifle in the other one. His night vision goggles where down over his eyes as they moved through the night, the rotor blades thrumming overhead as they flew through the air. He had his radio on him, the chatter washing over him, and even if he was alert to his surroundings, his mind was also thousands of miles away with Maddie and Jack.

Their platoon was usually broken up into four teams of four fire teams. In their SEAL team there were 8 platoons and 16 SEALs in each, and every platoon was separated into either two eight man teams of sniper/reconnaissance, four fire man teams of four, or at times one eight man sniper/recon team and two four man fire teams. At the moment they were an eight man sniper/recon team. The black hawk wasn’t equipped to handle all of them, so they were taking two helicopters.

They left the Parvan Province and soon entered the Kunar Providence. As they were nearing the Valley of Death, he started paying attention to the comms more as a distress call came through.

_‘Break, break, break. Major 6-4 this is Dust-off 47. We’re pinned down. We’re taking fire. Two clicks north from our last position.’_

Buck turned and met Simpson’s eyes across the distance of the helo. The man had been keeping track of everything going in and out of Bagram and the FOB, since it was standard with any covert mission. They were tracking a splinter terrorist group that had been responsible for some recent bombings in both the U.S. and other allied nations. They’d been given a lead by intelligence on the leader’s camp in Kunar, close to the Perch river.

That’s why they had to keep it quiet, lest they lose the element of surprise. They had to be ghosts, in and out without being seen, confirm the camps location and report back. Simpson knew this, and he shook his head to tell Buck that they couldn’t help. They were right there, less than two clicks away, but they couldn’t get involved.

 _‘Major 6-4, what’s your ETA?’_ the voice over the radio called again, tinged with desperation.

_‘Dust-off 47, ETA six minutes.’_

Hernandez and Walsh were tense, his partner meeting his gaze where they sitting next to each other. They knew that whoever they were, they didn’t have six minutes. It seemed the Valley of Death was about to get more names added to their casualty list.

Someone from the unit must have hit the button on their radio and it jammed, because they could suddenly hear gunfire and screaming. ‘ _Where you going?’_

_‘Got one more.’_

_‘Diaz, he’s dead!’_

_‘Yeah, he’s coming home with us too,’_ the same voice from the mayday grunted.

Then they hear more gunfire and screams, and Simpson is suddenly turning in his seat to scream into the pilot’s ear. Their helo turns, signaling the other to keep going, and Buck’s clipping himself to the chopper, ready to rappel down. They see the explosions moments later and they’re close, and Buck disengages the safety on his rifle. They see the downed chopper a moment later, and Walsh and Diego are behind the Miniguns, firing into the enemy as Buck jumps out, discharging his semi automatic as he falls, stopping himself when he’s less than three feet away from the ground.

The pilot is unloading Hydra 70 rockets on the vehicles as Buck unhooks himself and is moving the moment he hits the ground, shooting as he goes. Buck comes upon the soldiers quickly. “Go go go!” he shouts, giving them cover fire. The two pilots rush out first, followed by two injured men, a woman soldier supported between them. One of them reaches down for the one on the ground, clearly dead. “Leave him!”

“I won’t leave him!” he shouts, and it’s hard to see his face in the darkness even as the light of exploding rockets light up the sky. “No man left behind!”

Buck can admire his tenacity and bravery, especially since he’s injured judging by the blood on his wrist that’s bandaged with a seal wrap. He has a moment to wonder if he’s Diaz, because he can’t see his name-tag, but he let’s the thought go as they flinch and duck as a bullet hits too close for comfort. “He won’t be left behind,” he shouts back. “Go now! I’ll cover you!”

He hesitates, looking down at his dead companion and then nods. Buck gives him cover fire as he goes, and when he sees he’s almost to the helo, he slings his rifle over one shoulder by the strap and crouches down. He throws the soldier, because they’re Army, up over his shoulder in a fireman’s carry.

As he sprints back toward the helo as best as he can, Hernandez and Walsh give him cover fire, and he’s panting by the time he gets there. He gives a silent apology to the dead man as he tosses him inside before he jumps in, the chopper taking off a second later, still firing as more reinforcements are arriving.

Buck feels Walsh’s hands grab him as the chopper jerks to the side violently to avoid a SAM, the missile hitting the cliffside. Then they’re clear and this time Walsh is checking him over for injuries, but he waves him off. He sees the gleam of his eyes as they narrow past his black and green face paint, and Buck breathes out noisily and lets him check him over.

The soldiers are thanking them, seemingly surprised to learn they’re a SEAL team. The pilot radio’s Major 6-4 to tell them they have Dust-off 47, and are three mikes from their position. They don’t have time to return to the FOB, so they’ll land as soon as they see them, Major 6-4 stating their aircraft will Christmas tree, which means that they’d turn on all their exterior lights.

The blonde man can tell that the moment the soldiers clock that they weren’t who was meant to come to their aid. They’re on another mission, which they’ve deviated from to save them. “Thank you,” the female soldier sobs, her voice drowned out by the thrumming of the rotar blades of the helo. They’re all repeating the sentiment, since it’s clear they would have died otherwise. Simpson only grips her shoulder with a nod and nothing else is said between them. It isn’t a hardship, since most of them are injured, and one of theirs is dead.

At least, Buck thinks, none of the others are as well.

They see the Army med chopper with all their lights on and their pilot does the same for a moment before they go dark again. They’d been using night vision to maneuver thus far, and as soon as they’re off the helo, Buck’s team is lifting off again. They have a mission to complete, needing to catch up to the rest of their team.

As they go, Buck starts to get a feeling of dread, and his adrenaline spikes as he grips his rifle tightly. He takes a deep breath, holds it a second and then lets it out, repeating it until his heart rate starts to slow down. It’s fine. They haven’t lost too much time, and they haven’t received any orders to terminate the mission, and the rest of their team confirming they’ve reached their destination.

They’re fine.

When they’re dropped off, the rest of the team has moved on as per Darryl’s last transmission. So, now they have to play catch up, the Black Hawk taking off with instructions to return tomorrow just before sundown. They’re at least ten clicks from the Perch River, and they set off at a brisk pace, hardly slowing down or taking a break, trying to make up the time they’d lost. They need to catch up to the rest of the team before they make the rendezvous with their contact, a member of the rebel group opposing the Taliban in the area.

Hopefully if the other four members have met with the contact they’re waiting for them, or they’ll be screwed and have to keep playing catch-up. Their comms are being spotty, which isn’t a good thing. Even then, as they run through the rocky terrain, neither of them regret saving Dust-off 47.

They reach the Perch river two hours before daylight and they wade through it where it’s the most shallow, and a few miles outside the nearest village they finally stop. Simpson goes out with Walsh covering him from a distance, and he and Diego sit behind some boulders as they drink from their canteens and eat some rations bars, since they might not get another chance later. Their two teammates return less than five minutes later along with a weathered Middle Eastern man, maybe in his late twenties. He speaks passable English and tells them where their target is, that the rest of the team have already moved on. He confirms that the leader of the very insurgents that shot down and attacked Dust-off 47 earlier tonight is at the camp.

They’re supposed report back to their CO their location, the number of enemy at the camp, and confirm jackpot if the leader is there. They need to move fast, but luckily their contact has brought a truck with them. It’s a piece of shit, at least twenty years old, but it’ll get them there faster than if they’re on foot. So, Hernandez and Buck climb in the back, their rifles ready, Walsh and Simpson in the back seat as their informant drives with his lights off.

Darryl tries to contact the rest of the team but only receives static as he curses, and Buck is starting to feel the prickling on his skin as his adrenaline spikes. A few minutes later the camp on the outskirts of the village comes into view just before dawn, and they can already see the eastern horizon starting to get lighter. They stop a few miles away, and leave the truck, Diego grabbing the grenade launcher he’d insisted on bringing even if they’re only supposed to do recon.

“You never know when shit is gonna hit the fan,” he said with a grin. And he wasn’t wrong, so Simpson hadn’t said anything.

As they move toward some rocks for cover, not being able to see any of the rest of the team, Buck feels that feeling of dread rise up again, almost choking him now. “Darryl,” he hisses, because something is _**wrong**_.

Then all hell breaks lose as the firing starts, and they try to get to cover but they’re too far away! Simpson goes down first, Walsh letting out an inhuman scream as he starts to fire wildly at the approaching enemy, more than they had been told. They’ve been set up! Diego shoots at their informant as he tries to drive off without them, before they’re diving for cover.

Buck is breathing heavily as he and Diego find an outcropping of rocks, changing out their mags as Eoin throws himself next to them moments later. “Darryl... he’s... I think he’s dead,” he gasps. There’s blood on his face and he’s been hit at least twice, hands shaking as he also reloads his rifle. The sun is coming up, dust kicked up by the wind and the truck as their informant tried to leave them. He either betrayed them or he’s been betrayed, but either way, he’s dead and they’re fucked.

Eoin stands and shoots at the approaching men, ducking down quickly as they return fire. “There’s... at least twenty, maybe more,” he says through clenched teeth, his Irish accent coming on thick. His family was of Irish decent but he’d been born in Boston, but his mother had then moved them back to Ireland shortly after, only coming back to the United States when he was eighteen. The man had his reasons for joining the Navy and then later the SEALs, but none of those reasons seems to matter in those moments. In that moment, all they were thinking about was getting out of there alive.

Buck thought it was funny that this is probably what they’d saved Dust-off 47 from, knowing that the rest of the team is likely dead. Now Simpson is also dead and they were probably soon to join them, and Buck _still_ doesn’t regret having deviated their mission to save them. Because like their own team, they had loved ones they had to get back home to.

Diego is firing next, Buck following and they manage to get a few more, having to duck as someone fires a rocket launcher, missing them but hitting dangerously close as they’re pelted with dirt and small rocks. Eoin yanks the fragmentation grenade from his pack, pulling the pin and throwing it over their heads toward the enemy. As soon as it goes off he stands to fire, and he suddenly jerks back as they hear a sharp whiz of a bullet and he collapses, and through the light of the rising sun they see the bullet hole through his face, right under his left eye.

Buck’s screaming now with grief, Diego’s hand around his bicep tight enough to bruise, stopping him from whatever crazy thing he’s about to do. He’s yelling at him, trying to calm him down, but he only sees Eoin’s lifeless green eyes staring at him out of his bloodied face.

“ **Evan**!” The use of his name and Diego’s fist smacking into his shoulder gets his attention, and he and Diego’s gazes meet, both breathing heavily. There are tears running down his face and Diego isn’t much better off, but he has to get it together or they’re going to die. He starts firing at the enemy again, apologizing to Eoin as he steals his mags and shares them with Diego. The enemy keeps coming, ever closer and they need to do something, before they’re surrounded, and way before they run out of ammo.

“Two mags and a frag left,” Diego shouts, and Buck’s not much better off. “Smoke them out and then push left!”

Buck pulls the pin on a gas grenade and tosses it over his head, and soon there’s white smoke filling the area. They move, dragging Eoin’s body with them to a better place to take cover. That’s when Buck sees the Milkor MGL that Hernandez accidentally dropped when they were forced to take cover. “Cover me,” he gasps, getting his feet under him in a crouch. Diego grabs his arm again, but he turns back, grabbing him by the back of his helmet as he brings their foreheads together, helmets meeting with a clank. “Trust me. Cover me.”

Diego has blood splattered across his face, Eoin’s blood Buck suddenly realizes, and he feels bile at the back of his throat when he feels it on his face as well, but he shoves it back down, deep down to deal with later. “Okay,” his friend gasps. Diego pulls away as he turns and stands as he starts to shoot toward the rapidly approaching insurgents. Buck makes a mad dash for the grenade launcher, feeling bullets barely missing him. He falls onto the launcher as something explodes too close to him, turns and he feels a bullet hit his right shoulder, graze his temple, and embed in his left thigh before he manages to aim and pull back the trigger.

It hits in the middle of several of them as they’re thrown back, and he turns and fires again at the last few. All is silent for a few moments before Buck allows himself to collapse back. Hernandez is at his side a second later, cursing as he packs the bullet hole in his thigh, pulling his shirt aside to do the same for his shoulder.

Diego’s face is cut up, much like Buck’s own face, and he’s been clipped in the upper arm. “ _Pinche idiota,_ ” his partner hisses, checking his face, the left side a splatter of blood and sand, but thankfully, the bullet only grazed him. Buck isn’t really sure that thankful is the right word, since the other four members of their recon team are probably dead, Simpson and Eoin along with them, and it’s still too many hours before the chopper will be back for them at the rendezvous point. Also, they’ve either lost their radios or they’ve been damaged in the ensuing gunfight.

However, they’ll worry about that later, since they need to get the hell out of there before reinforcements arrive. Diego drags Buck back behind the rocks and goes toward the truck they came in. When he returns to him, he tells Buck that the informant that betrayed them is gone. Diego is sure he hit him, since there’s blood in the truck, but no body.

“We’ll get him,” Buck grunts as he stands and staggers toward the truck. Diego drags Eoin with him, too tired and too hurt to carry him, and manages to get him in the truck. He breathing hard, leaning against the truck a moment, but waves Buck off when he asks if he needs help. He goes to recover Darryl’s body and Buck is grateful that he can’t see Simpson’s body. The memory of Eoin dying will haunt him until the day he takes his last breath, he doesn’t want to see Darryl’s corpse as well. He’d only seen Simpson fall from the corner of his eye followed by the sound of Eoin’s scream, and that’ll be enough to give him nightmares.

There are plenty weapons in the back seat, the Milkor MGL sitting in Buck’s lap, and Diego tells him Darryl’s radio is still good. He’s just coming around the driver’s side when they hear it, the engine of a truck. It comes around the bend in a cloud of dust, immediately firing on them. He hears Diego grunt as he falls against the front of their vehicle and out of sight, and Buck has the MGL in his hand and aiming at the enemy immediately. It blows with a tremendous explosion, bodies of the passengers flying apart from the blast. “ _ **Diego**_!”

The Hispanic man comes into sight again, he’s been hit a few times, but the hand pressed to his abdomen is quickly spilling blood, already staining his fatigues, and this is bad. They know a bit more than basic first aid, but Eoin was the one that had been trained as a medic, since he’d planned on being a doctor when his tour was over. Diego clamors into the driver’s seat, and Buck digs out the bullet as Diego grips the steering wheel until his knuckles turn white, but he finally manages to get most of it out. He knows there might be more fragments, but they can’t linger so he bandages the wound as best as he can.

“This is Alpha Team 01, we need immediate evac,” Buck calls on Simpson’s radio, rattling off their location. He doesn’t get a response and wonders if it’s either damaged or if the mountains are interfering with their comms, and tries again. “Fuck,” he curses when he still gets no response.

They don’t know where the rest of their team is, not able to go looking for them, because someone surely heard the explosions and soon they’re be engaged again and they’re too injured right now. “We’ll come back for them,” Diego promises as starts the truck, and turns it in the direction they came from. They can’t stay here much longer, and decide that the rendezvous point is their best bet.

They’ve been driving for twenty minutes and Diego’s bandages are soaked through with blood again. Diego looks at him as he changes them, seeing the grim look in his hazel eyes. “Don’t,” Buck hisses at him angrily. “You’re going to make it... we’re both going to make it!” He wouldn’t hear anything else to the contrary, because he’d already lost six brothers, two of them Darryl and Eoin, and he refused to lose another one. Diego choses not to say anything and instead turns his attention to the road.

He managed to find a shallow enough part of the Perch river to make it across in the truck, the water coming up to their shins. Buck checked behind them, thankful when he sees that Diego had covered Eoin and Darryl, and that they hadn’t lost them. The sun is merciless and the heat unbearable, and they have to stop twice more to bandage Diego’s wound.

It’s slow going, since they have to double back in avoid insurgents, forcing them to take another route as they maneuver by their maps. It’s almost dark when they finally near the rendezvous point, and Diego parks the truck out of sight before they get out. Diego all but collapses as he gets out, and Buck hurries to his side. His skin is pale and clammy, and it’s likely due to the heat but Buck knows deep down that it’s because of some kind of infection. They need medical attention and soon.

Buck helps his partner sit behind some rocks and as he takes his helmet off, Buck goes to get Eoin, carrying him over to lay next to where Diego is resting and then gets Simpson. This is the part he’s been dreading, because now he’ll have no choice but to look. After a few deep breaths, he pulls back the tarp, and sees he was hit several times but his gaze finds the kill shot. A bullet that went straight through his throat and if he were to push his finger through, it’d likely pass through the other side. There’s also a lot of blood on his hands and wrists, and that means he was still alive when he fell and tried to stem the flow. He’d bled out while they’d been taking fire and he knew logically that they wouldn’t have been able to save him; the wound was too severe. Even then, Buck’s hands clenched as he bowed his head over his friend’s body, feeling guilt that he’d died and he hadn’t been able to do a damned thing.

“I’m sorry,” he gasped, wiped at his eyes and then reached out to drag him out. He could only drag him, too injured to carry him out, but soon he has him with their other two teammates, one dead and the other looking closer and closer to be joining them. “Hey,” he snapped as he kicked Hernandez’s booted foot as he jerked awake, “don’t fall asleep.” He set Darryl next to Eoin.

“You got some water?” Diego croaked, indicating his canteen which had a hole shot through. Buck handed him his without hesitation and then threw himself down beside Diego, sagging against the other. It was hot and humid but Diego was shivering from blood loss and leaned against him for warmth. The sun was starting to go down, but they still had at least an hour and a half, maybe more. When he tries the radio again, gets static again and fears it’s broken after all.

Buck can hear Diego’s breathing fluttering in his throat, and he reaches over to clutch at his cold hand. “Stay with me,” he begs desperately.

Diego’s breath hitches as he squeezes his hand back. “M’trying,” he slurs. He curls further against him, and Buck sees that his lips are turning blue. “Ev... m’cold.”

He pulls the other against him, almost in his lap and tries to keep him warm, even if he knows it won’t do him any good. Diego needs medical assistance, a blood transfusion, and even if he was trained to do a field transfusion because Buck is O negative, he doesn’t have the supplies to do it. “I got you. I’ll keep you warm,” he tells him, feeling tears already running down his face.

“You think... there’s something after... after this,” Diego gasps against his throat, his face tucked between his chin and clavicle. As long as he can feel his breath on his skin, that means he’s still alive, and he’ll feel it if...

Buck tightens his hold on his partner until he’s sure it might hurt, but he’s even more worried when he doesn’t seem to feel it. “I don’t know,” Buck admits in a whisper. He wished he could reassure him and tell him that Heaven was real, but honestly didn’t know. Buck wished he did. “We’re real, right here... you and me.”

“You an’ me,” Diego slurred, cold lips against his throat still. So he feels his breath stutter and nothing after that, his hand going slack in his at the same time.

“Diego?” he whimpered. When he got no response except for the howling wind, he left out a broken cry. He turned his face as he pressed his mouth against Diego’s sweaty strands of hair, sucking in a sobbing breath as well as the stench of sweat and blood.

He was alone.

When the chopper came half an hour later as the radio crackled to life with the pilot’s voice, he contemplated just letting it go. His team was dead and he wanted to just lay down and die with them.

_’You’ll get to see them soon, brother...’_

He remembered Diego’s words to him before they’d started this mission. The reminder of Maddie and Jack waiting for him made him grab the radio. It touched down as Buck stood, using a hand so Diego wouldn’t fall, and then lifted him with a grunt of pain. He staggered toward the chopper, the pilot seeing him and signaling his co-pilot to help, but Buck shook his head. He’d get his team into the chopper, him and no one else. After settling his partner inside, he went back for the other two, and by the time he had gotten himself on, the wound on his thigh was burning and his shoulder was bleeding again as he breathed in heavily.

The wind whipped his hair back as the helo took to the air, and looked down as they left behind the truck, and the place where his brothers had died.

Buck knew a part of himself had died with them.

\- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

_**September 5, 2015, Los Angeles** _

Maddie looked at his brother with worried eyes, who was staring out of the window vacantly, having barely reacted when he’d come through the gate and she’d thrown her arms around him in a hug. He’d flinched, seemed to realize it was her and then sagged against her. Luckily he seemed to be coherent enough that he hadn’t let all his weight go or they’d have likely fallen. Then he’d limped after her toward her car and tossed his duffle bag in the back with his left arm, since his right one was in a sling from the wound to his shoulder. He’d sank down into the passenger side seat and hadn’t uttered a single word.

She kept up a stream of words to fill the silence, telling him about Jack. She told him how many words she’d learned since he’d been gone, even if he’d heard them over video chat, including a memorable call when she’d called him ‘Unca Buck’. He’d been over the moon after that and it had kept him going most days and nights while out on missions, getting shot at and taking life.

Buck was so very tired of taking life, and of losing people.

His wounds weren’t too severe, but that coupled with his PTSD and he’d been discharged due to medical reasons. They’d given him a medal for his efforts in saving Dust-off 47 and for getting his teammate’s bodies back, and he didn’t want it. Buck wanted his brother back; whole and alive and not dead in a fucking hole in the ground.

Those were the words he’d told his CO when he’d been told of the medal, the Navy Cross, and also told them to pin it onto his dead brother’s uniforms. He’d been sent for a psych evaluation, and sufficient to say, he hadn’t passed. So, he’d been honorably discharged, with almost a year still left to his tour, but he was too numb to care.

The box with the medal had been shoved inside his duffle bag after the ceremony he’d been too injured to attend, since the wound in his thigh had gotten infected from a foreign contaminate. He’d wouldn’t have wanted to go either way, to see his teammates’s family have to receive the medal instead of their loved ones. His three teammates had also received the Navy Cross, but Diego had also been awarded the Purple Heart because he’d saved Buck’s life and recovered Eoin and Darryl’s bodies, and gotten them onto the truck and to the rendezvous point; all while mortally wounded.

The only thing he cared about was his team’s black dog tags, sent along through his CO by Diego, Eoin and Darryl families. He’d clutched them and cried until he’d exhausted himself, and he wore the three tags, along with his own around his neck even now. Buck was doubtful he’d ever take them off.

He lifted his head when the car came to a stop and saw that they’d gotten home, and he’d been so lost in thought that he hadn’t even noticed. “Unca Buck!” a voice squealed as he got out of the car and he looked toward Isabel’s house. The woman had come out of the house as soon as they pulled up, holding onto Jack’s hand as he went but let go as soon as they were on their lawn.

The little girl rushed forward, crashing into his legs and holding on tight. Maddie had come around the car and tried to stop her, afraid of how her brother would react at being ambushed by the little girl as she happily babbled at him with her half-coherent words. But she shouldn’t have worried, because Buck had only frozen for a moment before he sank down to his knees.

Jack giggled as her uncle gathered her against him with his one good arm, nuzzling her face against the side of his neck, and she smelled like the baby shampoo Maddie used. She was warm and alive and so innocent. All at once it hit him; he was home. Buck had made it home where Diego, Eoin and Darryl hadn’t.

He sobbed as he gripped Jack tight to him, burying his face into her downy brown hair that soaked up his tears. After a moment he heard little Jack shushing him the way Maddie did when she cried, and that just made him weep even harder.

“I’m home... I’m home,” he choked between sobs.

Buck was home, but he couldn’t help but think about how much of himself had actually made it back.-

\- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not sure when I’ll be back with the sequel, but I’m happy to finish with this story! I’m happy with how this turned out. Look out for the sequel sometime later. Bye bye! 😚


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